Mitt Romney Fails to Exhume Ayn Rand, Chooses Ryan as VP
GOP presidential nominee, Mitt Romney, failed in his bid to succesfully exhume and bring life to the corpse of Ayn Rand, his first choice as running mate for the 2012 election.
“We did everything we could,” said a disappointed Romney from the Kensico Cemetery near Valhalla, New York. “There was a strong belief among many of my advisers that Ayn was still alive, that she had just done the ultimate John Galt and went on strike from humanity. That this little grave here in Valhalla was her own Galt’s Gulch where she had gone to withdraw and recharge…that isn’t exactly how we found her….many of my people tried valiantly to save her…they did CPR and mouth to mouth. They tried a defibrillator and a taser and a nuclear warhead. Alan Greenspan even tried sweet love to her skeleton. Nothing worked. She’s just bones and dust.”
Romney said that it would have been useful to have a woman on the ticket, even one who was born in Russia and had been dead for thirty years. But he expressed confidence that young American women would turn to Ryan because “he looks like a slightly older vampire from the Twilight series…and I hope I’m not flattering myself to think I do too.”
Conservative bloggers were disappointed in the failed resurrection, and expressed some concern that while Ryan had the right ideas about the virtues of plutocratic selfishness, that he was too genial in the way he delivered those ideas. Said one blogger at Fuckthepoor.com, “He lacks the mean-spirited and sociopathic delivery of Ms. Rand and may actually deceive poorer people that we care about them. This lacks the pure honesty of the Randian message we would like to hear and will only cause trouble down the line when the axe falls on Social Security and Medicare.”