•August 24, 2012 • 1 Comment
A little known Republican Think Tank, Spastic Tube, is on the verge of losing its funding for failing to come up with an acceptable adjective to put with “rape”. Their work has come under fire recently due to Todd Akin’s recent use of the phrase “legitimate rape”, which was poorly received and threatened to derail the vice-presidential run of Paul Ryan. There has also been a critical re-examination of a previous Spastic Tube phrase: “forcible rape”. The furor has come as a bit of a shock since the adjectives “legitimate” and “forcible” had polled well with focus groups of angry, white, Evangelical males.
“Sure, we maybe should have included a woman in the focus group,” said Jebediah Dipshytt, the head writer at Spastic Tube. However, Mr. Dipshytt is frustrated with Republican attempts to disavow his organization for what he sees as crass political reasons. “Before we came on the scene, they were using ‘justifiable rape’ and ‘consensual rape’. I don’t think they realize how difficult the task of rape categorization is, especially since no one here is particularly fond of science…and the language itself is tough since no one here is particularly fond of the humanities. It wasn’t until recently that one of our guys thought that ‘statutory rape’ had something to do with taking liberties with the Statue of Liberty, you know…okay, bad joke, but you get my point.”
Mr. Dipshytt believes that the funding for his organization won’t be cut. “We know that the party will not allow the word ‘rape’ to stand on its own. They need to control what it means, otherwise it will just mean what it means, and that will never work…and you know, we’re a good bunch of guys here. Dedicated. We sit at our desks all day and think about rape…and language…but, mainly rape. We believe that if we think about rape hard and long enough, the right words will come. I have faith.”
•August 12, 2012 • 2 Comments
GOP presidential nominee, Mitt Romney, failed in his bid to succesfully exhume and bring life to the corpse of Ayn Rand, his first choice as running mate for the 2012 election.
“We did everything we could,” said a disappointed Romney from the Kensico Cemetery near Valhalla, New York. “There was a strong belief among many of my advisers that Ayn was still alive, that she had just done the ultimate John Galt and went on strike from humanity. That this little grave here in Valhalla was her own Galt’s Gulch where she had gone to withdraw and recharge…that isn’t exactly how we found her….many of my people tried valiantly to save her…they did CPR and mouth to mouth. They tried a defibrillator and a taser and a nuclear warhead. Alan Greenspan even tried sweet love to her skeleton. Nothing worked. She’s just bones and dust.”
Romney said that it would have been useful to have a woman on the ticket, even one who was born in Russia and had been dead for thirty years. But he expressed confidence that young American women would turn to Ryan because “he looks like a slightly older vampire from the Twilight series…and I hope I’m not flattering myself to think I do too.”
Conservative bloggers were disappointed in the failed resurrection, and expressed some concern that while Ryan had the right ideas about the virtues of plutocratic selfishness, that he was too genial in the way he delivered those ideas. Said one blogger at Fuckthepoor.com, “He lacks the mean-spirited and sociopathic delivery of Ms. Rand and may actually deceive poorer people that we care about them. This lacks the pure honesty of the Randian message we would like to hear and will only cause trouble down the line when the axe falls on Social Security and Medicare.”
•May 16, 2011 • Leave a Comment
American health insurance companies believe they have finally found the right balance of premiums, deductibles and co-payments to dump the entire nation into a state of learned helplessness. Not only have Americans stopped seeking health care of any kind, but they have also given up fighting annual double digit premium increases. Costs are plummeting and revenues are skyrocketing.
“With the price of gas, and nationwide negative home equity, many Americans have just plopped themselves down on the couch with a 2 litre bottle of Coke, a carton of Marlboros, and an assortment of edible high fructose corn syrup solids,” said one anonymous executive from Cigna. “They’re just praying for the end of days and so they’re ripe for one final epic fleecing.”
The companies are aware that at some point in time no one in America will have any money left to pay for their effectively useless insurance policies. Once they have reached that maximum utility in the States, they plan to expand into smaller markets such as Canada and larger ones such as China.
“There are at least 6 billion people in the world who we haven’t benefited from the freedom and wealth transfer efficiency of the American health care system….Yet.”
•May 5, 2011 • Leave a Comment
All remaining candidates in the Republican race for the 2012 presidential nomination have withdrawn. All cited fears that President Obama would either make fun of them or have them shot.
“Do you think I want to get Trumped at the next White House Correspondents Dinner?” asked a visibly shaken Mitt Romney. “I mean, even more Trumped than I already was.”
“Do I look like I want to get a call at 3 o’clock in the morning from that guy or his Navy Seals henchmen?” asked Sarah Palin. “I’m still too pretty to be a baked Alaska.”
“I’m just a guy from Minnesota,” said Tim Pawlenty. “If I’m walking into the dark alley of federal politics, do I want to run in to a guy who’s got Chris Rock’s biting wit and 50 Cent’s ice cold gangsta grill? Thank you, no. I don’t want be mocked and dumped into the Lake of the Woods.”
“I was getting bored, but I don’t need that level of excitement,” said Newt Gingrich. “Maybe I’ll just hit the bar and find another wife instead.”
None of the other potential nominees would say anything for the record.
•May 3, 2011 • Leave a Comment
With the election of Stephen Harper’s party (formerly known as the Conservative Party of Canada) last night, a majority of Canadians have turned their hopes to a North Carolina religious sect, which is predicting the end of the world on May 21st.
It is well known that Harper is like an inversion of Alexander Keith’s India Pale Ale. The 60% of Canadians who hate him, hate him a lot. The prospect of seeing his soulless face and hearing his monotone corporate drudgery for at least four more years has many hoping for total oblivion, even if the process of destruction is slow and extremely painful. This hope is particularly strong in the few remaining supporters of the Liberal party, the natural governing party of Canada for more than a hundred years.
“For us,” said one anonymous Liberal supporter, “the end has already arrived. We realize that pinning our hopes on global apocalypse is a longshot and not very forward looking, but it’s no more of a long shot than Bob Rae leading us back to victory in 2015.”
The new Harper Armageddonists have decided to focus on the “May 21ster” sect because they cannot wait for the end of the Mayan calendar in December 2012. There is even some support among the most ardent Harper haters for the Harper Party environmental policies.
“They can only help speed up the end of the world process,” sighed the anonymous Liberal supporter. “Time to move on.”
•April 29, 2011 • Leave a Comment
Trump said he wore the fascinator because “I want to look more than just presidential, I want to look “motherf&%#ing royal.” He said that William and Kate were “cool motherf@#$ers” and “you’d never find a pair like that in f&%#ing China”. He also said the orange colour of his fascinator was to encourage the recent rise of Canadian NDP socialist party. “I always loved that F#$%ing Canadian Medicare before I hated it!”
•April 26, 2011 • Leave a Comment
“He may have been born in Hawaii,” said Trump at a recent Club for Hair Growth For Men conference, “but it was only a state for like two years before Obama was born and very few people think of Hawaii as an actual state even now. I mean look how far away it is with the beaches and all those oriental looking people in grass dresses. I’ll send my investigators in to see if all the papers for Hawaii’s admission into the States were even legal in the first place. I have my doubts. Whatever happens, when I’m President, that man will not be a citizen in my America. Hawaii, you’re fired!”