GOP Think Tank Struggling to Find Right Adjective to Put With “Rape”
A little known Republican Think Tank, Spastic Tube, is on the verge of losing its funding for failing to come up with an acceptable adjective to put with “rape”. Their work has come under fire recently due to Todd Akin’s recent use of the phrase “legitimate rape”, which was poorly received and threatened to derail the vice-presidential run of Paul Ryan. There has also been a critical re-examination of a previous Spastic Tube phrase: “forcible rape”. The furor has come as a bit of a shock since the adjectives “legitimate” and “forcible” had polled well with focus groups of angry, white, Evangelical males.
“Sure, we maybe should have included a woman in the focus group,” said Jebediah Dipshytt, the head writer at Spastic Tube. However, Mr. Dipshytt is frustrated with Republican attempts to disavow his organization for what he sees as crass political reasons. “Before we came on the scene, they were using ‘justifiable rape’ and ‘consensual rape’. I don’t think they realize how difficult the task of rape categorization is, especially since no one here is particularly fond of science…and the language itself is tough since no one here is particularly fond of the humanities. It wasn’t until recently that one of our guys thought that ‘statutory rape’ had something to do with taking liberties with the Statue of Liberty, you know…okay, bad joke, but you get my point.”
Mr. Dipshytt believes that the funding for his organization won’t be cut. “We know that the party will not allow the word ‘rape’ to stand on its own. They need to control what it means, otherwise it will just mean what it means, and that will never work…and you know, we’re a good bunch of guys here. Dedicated. We sit at our desks all day and think about rape…and language…but, mainly rape. We believe that if we think about rape hard and long enough, the right words will come. I have faith.”