Banker Bumper Stickers 1

•April 22, 2011 • Leave a Comment

1. Steal a little, go to jail. Steal a lot, go to work at Goldman Sachs.

2. I got Bitchslapped by Adam Smith’s Invisible Hand.

3. I’m going off the rails on a gravy train.

4. A rising tsunami crashes most boats.

Anglophone Torontonian to run for Bloc Quebecois: Plans to Emigrate to Quebec to Escape Tea Party North

•April 19, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Toronto man, Tim McGrenere, has decided to run as a candidate for the Bloc Quebecois in the upcoming Canadian federal election. He is believed to be the first non-francophone candidate for the Quebec separatist party, and certainly the first Bloc candidate to run outside of Quebec.

“First of all, I have a man-crush on Gilles Duceppe,” said Mr. McGrenere. “I mean look at him compared to the other leaders. Full head of hair, nice suits, looks at people when he’s talking to them, says something funny occasionally, and is, you know, somewhat animated, almost like a real person. Compared to Duceppe, Ignatieff looks dry and professorial, Layton is strident and over-enthusiastic, and Harper has the flat affect of a lupine psychopath.”

“Secondly, I think Quebec should separate from Canada. I want to emigrate there. It’s sexy. It’s social. Quebecers respect themselves as something more than just “taxpayers”.  They have way better daycare and a way better hockey team. Plus I want to take up smoking again. An independent Quebec will be the last bastion of bon vivant democratic socialism in North America and I want to be there when the last holdouts of  liberal Toronto fall to the Fordnation, Harpergovernmentland, Tea Party North zombie horde. Go Canadiens! Allez les Habitants!”

Guest Post: My Wife Takes on Stephen Harper, Tries to Add Serious Thinking to My “Bugs Bunny” Blog

•April 16, 2011 • 3 Comments

Top Ten Reasons to End the Reign of Stephen Harper

#10 – The Fatigue Factor: Aren’t you just getting tired of the man? Of course being likeable isn’t the point. But Harper strikes me as so consistently mean-spirited, despite all attempts to soften his image. I‘ll feel a sense of relief when we finally switch him up for someone else.

#9 – Stephen the Czar: How could someone who thinks he alone has all the answers possibly support democracy? The vote for his contempt for parliament was inevitable, given that ever since Harper was crowned prime minister, he’s run the PMO like it’s the Kremlin—staging events, controlling language, proroguing parliament and restricting media access.

#8 – His weak team: Given Harper’s my-way-or-the-highway attitude no wonder there are no stars on his team. Any trailblazer with bright ideas wouldn’t touch membership on the Harper ‘team’ with a ten-foot pole. Bev Oda? Rona Ambrose? His team is mediocre at best, absurd or destructive at worst. And when you have to resuscitate Mike Harris’s former caucus for your high-profile MPs, you know you’re desperate. The way Harper carries on, you would think he would prefer to be the only Conservative candidate on every ballot across the country anyway.

#7 – His not-so-hidden agenda: When we’re forced to discuss whether African women have the right to an abortion in the face of the highest infant mortality rates in the world, you have to wonder what new laws Harper would introduce given a majority.

#6 – His ideas suck: Where are Harper’s new and innovative ideas? He’s been running the country now for two terms, and I haven’t seen one interesting idea coming from him and his ‘team’. His ideas are mostly failed ones transplanted from the US, where they’ve already wreaked havoc: more military, more prisons and less government.

#5 – Lackeys to the US: Have you noticed that since the Harper government, Canada follows whatever the Americans say and do? We used to have some independence of thought on the world scene but not anymore. Remember how we said no to Iraq? Under Harper, we would have been part of the ‘Coalition of the Willing’ in a New York minute.

#4 – He’s killing our brand: Do you remember the good old days when everyone loved Canada? When Americans wore a Canada pin when travelling abroad? How is it that in less than a decade, Harper has pillaged the goodwill? Regularly now, I read about how Canada used to be counted on but not anymore—on the environment, for aid to Africa. We used to be seen as polite, peacekeeping, conciliatory people. Now we’re just a disappointment.

#3 – Beacon for Al Qaeda: Our role as peacemakers has also been compromised. Ever since Harper has been in government, Canada has maintained an alarmingly one-sided position on the Middle East. Harper makes no attempt to respond to issues in a measured, balanced way that communicates to the world Canada is working towards peace and prosperity for everyone in the region. He claims to be so concerned about national security, but I suspect our citizens are at greater risk of attacks since he became prime minister.

#2 – Mediocre on the economy: Harper wants us to focus on the economy in this election campaign, as though the strength of it is his doing. It’s clear we were saved from the global meltdown by a strongly regulated banking system that pre-dates him. In the face of the crisis Harper had to be convinced to take it seriously. He inherited no deficit and a shrinking debt from Paul Martin, and has pilfered it away with old-hat economics.

#1 – Pariahs of the environment: Leadership on the environment is nowhere to be found with Stephen Harper. We watch the extreme temperature fluctuations; read with alarm about the earthquakes in New Zealand and Japan; while living our lives just as before. At a time when we need to be inspired to break out of our old selves into something better, our scientists are removing their Canada pins at environmental conferences. The day will inevitably come when low-carbon emitting countries that have embraced alternative energies are the new economic superpowers. At this rate, Canada will be left far behind.

We are Canada for heaven’s sake – the true north strong and free. Surely we can do better than this.

Rand Paul to Demonstrate Commitment to Ayn Rand Philosophy By Removing Under-Performing Parts of His Own Body

•April 14, 2011 • 3 Comments

In preparation for a potential presidential run in 2012 or 2016, Rand Paul has sought to refine his commitment to Ayn Rand’s doctrine of “rational self-interest” by applying Ms. Rand’s principles to his own body. He will conduct a strategic review of each organ, limb and appendage to assess their contribution to the nation-state of himself. For instance, he plans to remove all non-performing organs (i.e. appendix) and underperforming organs (i.e. spleen). These organs are net takers of blood and nutrients and therefore constitute a drain on the nation-state of Mr. Paul’s body.  The heart represents a particular dilemma for Mr. Paul. While he recognizes the practical necessity of a heart to maintain life, he remains suspicious of its redistributionist tendencies (why doesn’t it keep all the blood for itself?) and is also concerned about its symbolic attachment to irrational sentiments such as altruism. “As long as a heart exists in my body, people will assume I have the capacity for charitable feeling, and this makes my devotion to rational self-interest slightly impure.” He is looking into replacing his heart, which is functioning perfectly well, with a mechanical heart like Dick Cheney’s, simply to remove some of the softer associations.  Mr. Paul is also looking closely at certain appendages such as the baby toe (indeed the entire toe “collective”), which appears to serve no useful purpose whatsoever. Mr. Paul is struggling with his policy towards another appendage. His penis. While he recognizes it as a source of pleasure, he finds it very difficult to categorize the self-interest such pleasure engenders as rational. Indeed, because it distracts the “rational” functioning in the nation-state of his body, he is considering a self-LorenaBobbotomy.

Mr. Paul admits that the application of Ayn Rand philosophy to his own body is a challenging exercise, but necessary. Indeed, he is planning on taking it much further, to the cellular and even molecular levels. If he can source out the most basic root of his “rational self” – which he refers to as “the Essence of Rand” – he can eliminate the fat of non-productive cell collectives and welfare state molecular unions that are impeding the Essence of Rand’s pursuit of individual liberty.

Mr Rand finished by saying, “If I could just dump this whole body, which in the end is just a really a messy business, and just be my essence, then I will finally achieve the goal of my rational self-interest. To make the political, personal. And then just sort of offshore myself to a Cayman Island Galt Gulch of the soul.”

Canada to Trade Stephen Harper to US Republican Party

•April 11, 2011 • Leave a Comment

The country of Canada is sending Conservative Prime Minister Stephen Harper to the United States Republican Party for future considerations.

The trade will fill an immediate hole in the GOP’s leadership race, which, as it stands, is a cavalcade of grandstanding morons engaging in a daily carnival of ignorance and hypocrisy. Mr. Harper will bring some much needed gravitas to that race.  He is a disciplined two-way player who has all the tools. He is authoritarian and secretive by nature. He is suspicious or contemptuous of democratic processes and evidence-based decision-making. His lips have sought out the rear end of every corporation in the land and formed a full-suction bond. Like most conservatives he’s demonstrated his fiscal bona fides by successfully managing a surplus into a deficit. He was one of only a handful of Canadians who was for the war in Iraq (and he’s fulfilled a boyhood dream by having a Canuck General lead the NATO kinetic military action in Libya). In five years, he’s turned Canada into a leader of the anti-environmentalism movement. He is a social visionary who has invested heavily in the prison system even in a time of reduced crime because he understands that the consequence of his policies will eventually increase crime by leaving most people no other option to make a decent living.

Most importantly for the GOP, Harper harkens back to a less psychotic Conservative voice. He offers a kind of blandly inoffensive and monotonously articulate public persona that doesn’t call attention to itself with overtly idiotic public performances. He won’t say he can see Russia from his backyard. He won’t go after Obama’s birth certificate. He’s had only one foreign policy position (WAR!) and one wife (and rumour is that he’s only had one “domestic policy position” with her – MISSIONARY!). Harper’s one weakness is that he lacks the authentic faux-populism of other great GOP leaders like George W. Bush and Ronald Reagan. When Harper sits down to play the piano or puts on a sweater or wears glasses he induces a bi-partisan gag-reflex and a national reverse peristaltic wave from Victoria, BC to St. John’s, Newfoundland. However, while many Canadians find his ideas range from amusingly distasteful to alarmingly repugnant, very few doubt whether he is actually sane. This may be useful to the Republican Party who could counter ridicule from the left by saying: “Harper may be evil, but he’s not stupid and he’s not crazy.” Donald Trump has recognized the usefulness of bringing Harper into the fold and has graciously offered to manufacture an American birth certificate for him while he is searching for Obama’s.

Canada is not looking for an immediate return on this trade, mostly because there are so few members of the current GOP who could even win a seat in rural Alberta. So, for now, the trade will be chalked up to foreign aid.

 

Goldman Sachs Executive Praises Boldness of Transocean Safety Bonuses

•April 4, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Transocean is being widely praised by business leaders for giving their executives “safety” bonuses in the face of widespread criticism over the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon, the death of several workers and the total annihilation of the Gulf of Mexico.

“It’s important for business leaders to stand up for one another,” said an unnamed executive from Goldman Sachs. “Those Transocean guys stood tall for us when we were getting our  bonuses for destroying the world economy. People who are hating on them need to think how much damage this company would do if we didn’t pay their leaders appropriately. You want the whole Atlantic Ocean to look like the floor at Mr. Lube?”

“Look, I think everyone at that company has suffered a great deal in the last year. Even the workers. It’s time for the healing to begin. American business has to be forward looking. Unless you want all those rigs in the Gulf to go Deepwater Horizon, you best let those boys have their money and carry on about your business.”

Homeless Man Denies Global Warming – Given One Million Dollar “Think Tank” Grant by Big Oil Magnates

•April 4, 2011 • 2 Comments

Charles and David Koch have given Chicago homeless man, Leroy Brown, a one million dollar grant to set up a Climate Skepticism Foundation at the University of Chicago.

The golden-voiced Leroy Brown was featured on a YouTube video huddling against a cold March wind off Lake Michigan and saying: “Global Warming, My Ass!”. The video has over 8 million views in the last two weeks.

The Koch brothers recognized that they needed a new pitchman after Richard Muller of the Berkeley Earth Surface Temperature Project went off message at a Congressional hearing on climate science earlier this week. The Koch brothers are still investigating how their man could be swayed by actual evidence rather than financially contextualized evidence.

Unlike many Koch funded climate skeptics who do not have scientific backgrounds, Mr. Brown does have a a Masters Degree in BioEthics and blames the uselessness of that degree on his inability to find a job and his subsequent methamphetamine addiction. Mr. Brown says he will use the grant to partially pay off his student loans. When asked to sum up the perspective he will bring to the new foundation, Mr. Brown replied: “It’s a cold world, bitch.”

 
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