Canada to Trade Stephen Harper to US Republican Party
The country of Canada is sending Conservative Prime Minister Stephen Harper to the United States Republican Party for future considerations.
The trade will fill an immediate hole in the GOP’s leadership race, which, as it stands, is a cavalcade of grandstanding morons engaging in a daily carnival of ignorance and hypocrisy. Mr. Harper will bring some much needed gravitas to that race. He is a disciplined two-way player who has all the tools. He is authoritarian and secretive by nature. He is suspicious or contemptuous of democratic processes and evidence-based decision-making. His lips have sought out the rear end of every corporation in the land and formed a full-suction bond. Like most conservatives he’s demonstrated his fiscal bona fides by successfully managing a surplus into a deficit. He was one of only a handful of Canadians who was for the war in Iraq (and he’s fulfilled a boyhood dream by having a Canuck General lead the NATO kinetic military action in Libya). In five years, he’s turned Canada into a leader of the anti-environmentalism movement. He is a social visionary who has invested heavily in the prison system even in a time of reduced crime because he understands that the consequence of his policies will eventually increase crime by leaving most people no other option to make a decent living.
Most importantly for the GOP, Harper harkens back to a less psychotic Conservative voice. He offers a kind of blandly inoffensive and monotonously articulate public persona that doesn’t call attention to itself with overtly idiotic public performances. He won’t say he can see Russia from his backyard. He won’t go after Obama’s birth certificate. He’s had only one foreign policy position (WAR!) and one wife (and rumour is that he’s only had one “domestic policy position” with her – MISSIONARY!). Harper’s one weakness is that he lacks the authentic faux-populism of other great GOP leaders like George W. Bush and Ronald Reagan. When Harper sits down to play the piano or puts on a sweater or wears glasses he induces a bi-partisan gag-reflex and a national reverse peristaltic wave from Victoria, BC to St. John’s, Newfoundland. However, while many Canadians find his ideas range from amusingly distasteful to alarmingly repugnant, very few doubt whether he is actually sane. This may be useful to the Republican Party who could counter ridicule from the left by saying: “Harper may be evil, but he’s not stupid and he’s not crazy.” Donald Trump has recognized the usefulness of bringing Harper into the fold and has graciously offered to manufacture an American birth certificate for him while he is searching for Obama’s.
Canada is not looking for an immediate return on this trade, mostly because there are so few members of the current GOP who could even win a seat in rural Alberta. So, for now, the trade will be chalked up to foreign aid.