“Unusual Mortality Event” on Wall Street – Young Bankers Dying as a Result of Catastrophic Cash Spill
Hundreds of young bankers have washed up on the shores of New York’s East River piers prompting an immediate investigation by the NOAA with some limited assistance from the SEC. The Federal government is controlling information at the moment, but it is widely suspected that the bankers have died off due to the toxic tsunami of unearned cash that crashed into Wall Street last year. The economic earthquake registered 9.3 on the RICO scale and sent a tidal wave of billions of dollars from middle-class America through the nation’s emergency financial floodways, which all empty into the Wall Street Emergency Liquidity Cistern. The floodways and cistern were overwhelmed, however, as their maintenance had been neglected for years and were not built for the enormous amount of money that washed through. Emergency workers have been working day and night to repair the floodway system to ensure that the catastrophic cash flood does not flow back and inundate middle-class America.
The NOAA and SEC believe its too early to tell if the bankers drowned in the excess unearned cash. Like the mysterious mass die offs of baby bottlenose dolphins in the Gulf of Mexico, the banker deaths have been classified as an Unusual Mortality Event, and will be researched thoroughly. British Petroleum issued a press release claiming no responsibility for either the dolphins or the bankers.