Religious Cults Encouraged by Japan Earthquake, Turmoil in Middle East

The recent catastrophe in Japan has buoyed the spirits of apocalyptic religious cults worldwide.

Jeremiah Dypshytt, a spokesman for Family Radio, which has predicted the end of times to be this May 21st, said recent events indicate “we may finally have got this one right.”

The End of Times prophecy market has seen increased activity recently with the nearing of 2012. The end of the Mayan calendar in December 2012 has been the most conventional due date for the apocalypse. However, Family Radio jumped into the market with its bold May, 2011 prediction, causing a stir amongst it’s more conservative competitors.

Mr. Dypshytt said that even with their far more efficient prophecy timing, members of the Family Radio community are “impatient for God to finally come through and wipe out all of humanity….They are, however, thankful that God has distributed much of the front-end suffering somewhere other than America.”

“We know that God shares our disdain for every human being outside of our group, and we know he’s laid them to waste before, so we would be shocked if he holds out much longer. He is not a dithering and feckless God. He is a man of action. Events in Japan and the Middle East are pretty clear indicators that the time is at hand.”

Still, Mr. Dypshytt and the members of Family Radio are aware of the long history of apocalypse prophecy fails. They are awaiting May 21st and the end of the world with cautious optimism. “It would be a shame if it doesn’t occur,” said Mr. Dypshytt. “People have a lot invested in this. It would be quite sad for us if we all have to go on living…and not get this right.”


~ by mcgrenerex on March 15, 2011.

3 Responses to “Religious Cults Encouraged by Japan Earthquake, Turmoil in Middle East”

  1. what douchebags

  2. Hahahaha! Hilarious mock news article. Mr Dypshytt indeed! Best laugh I’ve had for a while. Thanks!

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