Welcome to Capital One!
Dear Mr. Lagoon,
Capital One Bank (Canada Branch) (“Capital One”) has recently purchased your HBC credit card from GE Money (“We remove life out of good things”). Effective as of January 7, 2011, Capital One became the owner and issuer of your HBC Credit Card account (“your Account”) (“irrelevant parenthetical verbiage”) (“Boogers”).
Your Account has been transferred to Capital One from GE Money and will continue to be governed by the indecipherable terms of your current Account Agreement, as amended from time to time without your knowledge. (“Fart Sound”)
Please continue to make all payments to the Hudson’s Bay Company. They’ll be accepting payments on behalf of Capital One (“Capital Won!”). You can continue to make your payments:
- In store by debit card, cash or cheque, or by means of another higher interest bearing credit card owned by Capital (“We’re Number”) One or subsidiary loan shark.
- By using your bank’s online or phone banking services to re-direct your (“meagre”) wages.
- By sending a cheque, a bag of small unmarked bills, the deed of your home, or your most intelligent child to HBC Credit Services (a licensed bagman to Capital “How the West Was” One )
For those cardholders with optional creditor insurance (HBC Account Protector, ChargeGard, AccountGard, SafeGard, CashGard, LifeGard, MouthGard, GuardGard), your irrelevant insurance will continue to provide you the uninterrupted illusion of protection without a change of terms. (Gard is a trademarked misspelling of Guard as is our slogan “Taking U out of Ins-rance “)
We’re committed to your piracy.
We’re also committed to complying with all applicable laws, however unreasonable, which force us to
- Know and understand (and give a shit about) our customers and their dire financial circumstances
- Maintain certain identifying information (political affiliation, sexual orientation, birthmark and tattoo locations, organ usability) in respect of Primary Cardholders and Authorized Users.
As such, we may be asking you for certain personal information about yourself (or anyone else you have information about) that we have not been able to garner some other way so that we can properly comply with our burdensome legal obligations in this overregulated, socialist backwater.
We look forward to building our relationship and exploitable dataset with you.
Capital One Canada