Rand Paul to Demonstrate Commitment to Ayn Rand Philosophy By Removing Under-Performing Parts of His Own Body

In preparation for a potential presidential run in 2012 or 2016, Rand Paul has sought to refine his commitment to Ayn Rand’s doctrine of “rational self-interest” by applying Ms. Rand’s principles to his own body. He will conduct a strategic review of each organ, limb and appendage to assess their contribution to the nation-state of himself. For instance, he plans to remove all non-performing organs (i.e. appendix) and underperforming organs (i.e. spleen). These organs are net takers of blood and nutrients and therefore constitute a drain on the nation-state of Mr. Paul’s body.  The heart represents a particular dilemma for Mr. Paul. While he recognizes the practical necessity of a heart to maintain life, he remains suspicious of its redistributionist tendencies (why doesn’t it keep all the blood for itself?) and is also concerned about its symbolic attachment to irrational sentiments such as altruism. “As long as a heart exists in my body, people will assume I have the capacity for charitable feeling, and this makes my devotion to rational self-interest slightly impure.” He is looking into replacing his heart, which is functioning perfectly well, with a mechanical heart like Dick Cheney’s, simply to remove some of the softer associations.  Mr. Paul is also looking closely at certain appendages such as the baby toe (indeed the entire toe “collective”), which appears to serve no useful purpose whatsoever. Mr. Paul is struggling with his policy towards another appendage. His penis. While he recognizes it as a source of pleasure, he finds it very difficult to categorize the self-interest such pleasure engenders as rational. Indeed, because it distracts the “rational” functioning in the nation-state of his body, he is considering a self-LorenaBobbotomy.

Mr. Paul admits that the application of Ayn Rand philosophy to his own body is a challenging exercise, but necessary. Indeed, he is planning on taking it much further, to the cellular and even molecular levels. If he can source out the most basic root of his “rational self” – which he refers to as “the Essence of Rand” – he can eliminate the fat of non-productive cell collectives and welfare state molecular unions that are impeding the Essence of Rand’s pursuit of individual liberty.

Mr Rand finished by saying, “If I could just dump this whole body, which in the end is just a really a messy business, and just be my essence, then I will finally achieve the goal of my rational self-interest. To make the political, personal. And then just sort of offshore myself to a Cayman Island Galt Gulch of the soul.”

~ by mcgrenerex on April 14, 2011.

3 Responses to “Rand Paul to Demonstrate Commitment to Ayn Rand Philosophy By Removing Under-Performing Parts of His Own Body”

  1. I’ve always suspected that this man didn’t know if he was coming — Rand Paul — or going — Paul Rand. His commitment here is both admirable and repulsive, in perfectly keeping with his coming and going political possture. I wish him both disaster and success. It’s good to be committed, and it’s clear that he needs to be.

  2. Yes. Rand Paul. Paul Rand. In this case, perhaps he becomes Rupaul…

  3. Hahaha. Great post, and +1 internuts to thefrog1.

    Of course, considering that Cheney’s ticker, being nuclear-powered, is really ticking especially around dosimetry, perhaps R. Paul could have Frackwater replace his blood, and make the whole thing Free Market-approved!

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