US Health Insurance Companies Confident They Have Demoralized Entire Nation

American health insurance companies believe they have finally found the right balance of premiums, deductibles and co-payments to dump the entire nation into a state of learned helplessness. Not only have Americans stopped seeking health care of any kind, but they have also given up fighting annual double digit premium increases. Costs are plummeting and revenues are skyrocketing.

“With the price of gas, and nationwide negative home equity, many Americans have just plopped themselves down on the couch with a 2 litre bottle of Coke, a carton of Marlboros, and an assortment of edible high fructose corn syrup solids,” said one anonymous executive from Cigna. “They’re just praying for the end of days and so they’re ripe for one final epic fleecing.”

The companies are aware that at some point in time no one in America will have any money left to pay for their effectively useless insurance policies. Once they have reached that maximum utility in the States, they plan to expand into smaller markets such as Canada and larger ones such as China.

“There are at least 6 billion people in the world who we haven’t benefited from the freedom and wealth transfer efficiency of the American health care system….Yet.”

All GOP 2012 Presidential Candidates Drop Out of Race: Afraid Of Gangsta Obama

All remaining candidates in the Republican race for the 2012 presidential nomination have withdrawn. All cited fears that President Obama would either make fun of them or have them shot.

“Do you think I want to get Trumped at the next White House Correspondents Dinner?” asked a visibly shaken Mitt Romney. “I mean, even more Trumped than I already was.”

“Do I look like I want to get a call at 3 o’clock in the morning from that guy or his Navy Seals henchmen?” asked Sarah Palin. “I’m still too pretty to be a baked Alaska.”

“I’m just a guy from Minnesota,” said Tim Pawlenty. “If I’m walking into the dark alley of federal politics, do I want to run in to a guy who’s got Chris Rock’s biting wit and 50 Cent’s ice cold gangsta grill? Thank you, no. I don’t want be mocked and dumped into the Lake of the Woods.”

“I was getting bored, but I don’t need that level of excitement,” said Newt Gingrich. “Maybe I’ll just hit the bar and find another wife instead.”

None of the other potential nominees would say anything for the record.

Under Harper Majority, 60% of Canadians Now Hoping For Speedy Apocalypse

With the election of Stephen Harper’s party (formerly known as the Conservative Party of Canada) last night, a majority of Canadians have turned their hopes to a North Carolina religious sect, which is predicting the end of the world on May 21st.

It is well known that Harper is like an inversion of Alexander Keith’s India Pale Ale. The 60% of Canadians who hate him, hate him a lot. The prospect of seeing his soulless face and hearing his monotone corporate drudgery for at least four more years has many hoping for total oblivion, even if the process of destruction is slow and extremely painful. This hope is particularly strong in the few remaining supporters of the Liberal party, the natural governing party of Canada for more than a hundred years.

“For us,” said one anonymous Liberal supporter, “the end has already arrived. We realize that pinning our hopes on global apocalypse is a longshot and not very forward looking, but it’s no more of a long shot than Bob Rae leading us back to victory in 2015.”

The new Harper Armageddonists have decided to focus on the “May 21ster” sect because they cannot wait for the end of the Mayan calendar in December 2012. There is even some support among the most ardent Harper haters for the Harper Party environmental policies.

“They can only help speed up the end of the world process,” sighed the anonymous Liberal supporter. “Time to move on.”

Wearing Fascinator to Celebrate Royal Wedding, Donald Trump Tells Whole World to F#&K OFF

Trump said he wore the fascinator because “I want to look more than just presidential, I want to look “motherf&%#ing royal.” He said that William and Kate were “cool motherf@#$ers” and “you’d never find a pair like that in f&%#ing China”. He also said the orange colour of his fascinator was to encourage the recent rise of Canadian NDP socialist party. “I always loved that F#$%ing Canadian Medicare before I hated it!”

Trump Would Dump Hawaii from Union to Prove Obama Born Outside of US

“He may have been born in Hawaii,” said Trump at a recent Club for Hair Growth For Men conference, “but it was only a state for like two years before Obama was born and very few people think of Hawaii as an actual state even now. I mean look how far away it is with the beaches and all those oriental looking people in grass dresses. I’ll send my investigators in to see if all the papers for Hawaii’s admission into the States were even legal in the first place. I have my doubts. Whatever happens, when I’m President, that man will not be a citizen in my America. Hawaii, you’re fired!”

Banker Bumper Stickers 1

1. Steal a little, go to jail. Steal a lot, go to work at Goldman Sachs.

2. I got Bitchslapped by Adam Smith’s Invisible Hand.

3. I’m going off the rails on a gravy train.

4. A rising tsunami crashes most boats.

Anglophone Torontonian to run for Bloc Quebecois: Plans to Emigrate to Quebec to Escape Tea Party North

Toronto man, Tim McGrenere, has decided to run as a candidate for the Bloc Quebecois in the upcoming Canadian federal election. He is believed to be the first non-francophone candidate for the Quebec separatist party, and certainly the first Bloc candidate to run outside of Quebec.

“First of all, I have a man-crush on Gilles Duceppe,” said Mr. McGrenere. “I mean look at him compared to the other leaders. Full head of hair, nice suits, looks at people when he’s talking to them, says something funny occasionally, and is, you know, somewhat animated, almost like a real person. Compared to Duceppe, Ignatieff looks dry and professorial, Layton is strident and over-enthusiastic, and Harper has the flat affect of a lupine psychopath.”

“Secondly, I think Quebec should separate from Canada. I want to emigrate there. It’s sexy. It’s social. Quebecers respect themselves as something more than just “taxpayers”.  They have way better daycare and a way better hockey team. Plus I want to take up smoking again. An independent Quebec will be the last bastion of bon vivant democratic socialism in North America and I want to be there when the last holdouts of  liberal Toronto fall to the Fordnation, Harpergovernmentland, Tea Party North zombie horde. Go Canadiens! Allez les Habitants!”